r|breathe: cubraffiti ...

cubraffiti ... "graffiti" in a cubester's squalor.

sometimes, when i am on the phone and need a mental break (because to whomever i am talking is unhappy, near yelling, angry, or snarky - or perhaps needs a dose of my cubraffit), i stare at my cubraffiti section of my cubicle. and i am reminded of the following ...

• adolfo girala - i have postcards with images of some of his paintings
• kelly paige-standard - i have postcards with images of some of her paintings
• title v umbrella - the limited 50 little drink umbrella message-cards i gave selectively during the going away luncheon when i chose to quit corporate america, back in '94 - just to quit.
• the four agreements - don miguel ruiz's toltec teachings
• the 10 paradoxical commandments of government - my brother sent me this ... ken miller's take on kent keith's paradoxical commandments.

and then, maybe a little reiki ... and a reminder from a little red card's sentiment ...

i believe that
everyone else is an adult
whereas i am merely in disguise
(margaret atwood)

breathe.

r|breathe: sometimes you just don't know

my friend, iris, wrote to her on-line journal back in oct '08 (OVER HERE). she reminds me that today is a good day.

very early this morning at 1:19 am, she shared ...

The time has finally come for me to travel back to Indianapolis to receive my first new treatment and care so I completed the blood work and EKG.

Hotel reservation and flight arrangements moving full speed ahead then I receive a call indicating my white blood cell count has drastically dropped. My blood pressure is extremely low too. This explains why I've been feeling a bit off kilter (light headed, dizzy, and very sleepy) and needless to say, my trip to Indiana for this much needed treatment option has been put on hold.

Sometimes you just don't know........

So I wait. I go to that secret place deep inside my soul and close to my heart where the spirit of God lives and I sing and I pray and I wait.

"This world sometimes seems cruel and cold. And pain doth pierce my very soul. But there's a place, a secret place. A place where I can go......"

i cannot express well enough how much i love iris and am humbled by her strength.

r|break: (re)posting from two years ago

(original post over here)

i recently have thought about how much i am grateful for my friend, deb, who introduced me to the poetry of mary oliver. perhaps it's the variety of emotions stirred when i read and reflect on her writing. or rather, it's the reflective mood for which i've been intensely experiencing (more so than normally) that has drawn me to read her poetry. below is most of the post from a couple of years ago.

another m.oliver poem... the journey

... to go along w/my other post on her other poem ...

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

--- Mary Oliver

[breathe deeply]

i wrote a letter to myself ...

... which later turned out to be something - a story, perhaps. it is, in fact, how i have felt - how i feel after earlier this week. turns out it is how i have been able to best express my feelings.

i have been reading it out loud every day, as if ...? i don't know - just as if. i feel compelled to read it out loud. whether it's a story or a letter to myself, it's also over here, which is where i first wrote it out; it's also where i'll tweak it as time moves on. but for now, here is where it is at this evening ...

let me believe

let me believe that it is different
something is different
we are different

it is nearly two years since the last time you chose not to call
even though i believed you because you said you would call,
since i left you a message you chose not to return
even though i believed friendship would prevail,
since a painful moment i brought upon us
even though we have never spoken about it.
i do not have to believe
because i know
that two years ago, we experienced our own grief
when i asked you to remove you - your passion - from my home.
the sadness in my heart went unnoticed
as it was overshadowed by your quiet anger.

let me believe my feelings are different
something is different
you are different

it is less than one year since you chose to e-mail me.
your note? i believed it was a simple, benevolent gesture
even though only you knew your intentions.
i do not have to believe
because i know
that the moment i watched you walk toward my doorstep
was the moment i realized i chose well.
my acceptance of your gesture went unnoticed
as i chose to forego my healing for your companionship.

let me believe that i can heal
something is different
i am different

it is tonight, more than one week since you chose not to call
even though i believed you - just because.
it is tonight, not more than a day since i chose to call you,
as i have done so since, daily.
on this night, i chose to leave you a message,
not reminiscent of two years ago,
because something is different,
we are different.
tonight i asked that we talk, that we share, that we listen.
and on this night, as i recount my sadness, your anger,
my acceptance, your touch,
i remember that i have a choice,
that you have a choice.
even though we may never talk about this,
i accept that you may not call
because tomorrow,
something will be different.

let me believe that i will choose
that i have chosen
that i am different
i do not have to believe
because i know

thanks for letting me share.

r|breathe: today is a good day - visiting!

just a very quick post ... busy doing stuff, AND my friend iris is visiting for several days before she heads back home to portland (oregon)! her visit (re)reminds me that today is a good day.

make your day a good day, too!

r|angst: uhm ... don't doubt it -

- it is for real.
(you, you know who you are.)
do NOT doubt it.

it's just as it says ... DEMAND.

it's true. i f'd up, totally.
got twisted & depressed as a result of the burglary last year.
(thanks, asshats, for stealing the PC with the accounting info. nice touch.
o.k. universe ... i get the message about my paper organization sh**.)

(and then i was expected to pull 2007 together, also?!)
there is that word again ... demand.
still doubting?!
don't.

r|breathe: today is a good day

i received the below note from a dear friend yesterday.

she & i have known each other since ~ 1992, when i was in corporate america in SD. since her leaving SD in 1994-ish, we've kept in touch on/off, although admittedly more off. however, each and every time we have reconnected (and she has often beat me to the punch), time catches up with us in the best way ever and conversations are great. and just yesterday, we were laughing about our finding pictures from '94 and how the looks we were sporting back then (e.g., clothes, shoes) actually appear to be a bit back in style ... or at least some of the current fashion draws (or has drawn) off of some '90s-ish moments.

the last time i physically saw her was several years ago. she was resting after a round of chemo. i flew up to see her in the NW. the "treat" of the day? we went to outback so she could have a few blossoms from the infamous onion blossom that the outback restaurant has. crazy, eh?!

well, we have texted and talked mostly through the years - very on/off. and lately, a bit more on. and yesterday, a post from her on-line journal ...

Today is

10/10/08 12:29 AM

Today is a good day. I try to remember to say these words everyday. Some days it's a little easier than others. Yesterday I didn't say it, the day before was very difficult and the day before that, even worse.

Over the past week I learned that perhaps the mass recently identified within my heart may be cancerous. I have cried, prayed, sang, screamed (inside) and cried and prayed some more. Dear Lord, please don't let it be as bad as it appears......

Even with all this madness, I've learned something. I have learned that today is still a good day, yesterday was a good day too as was the day before that also. A good day consists of waking up, having loving, supportive family and friends, and surrendering to God. I have that and so much more.

What's next? More tests and exams to come and so so many unknowns but guess what, today is still a good day.

Bless you,
Iris

... and for this, i remember that it is good to be mindful that today is a good day ... i am fortunate to have iris in my life, and i'm sure that for the lives of others who have had the pleasure of having iris in their lives directly or even indirectly ... their todays are good days.

r|breathe: ... then spit!

for the 1 of the 7 persons that i know reads this blog at least once every two days - then you know what i'm doing (as a result of my succumbing as described over here)*:

shirlsd is pulling together paperwork & info
to forward to bookkeeper & then accountant
- gotta file them darn taxes!

*(god help me that i have just cross-posted
fodder sh** between fb & my blog. wtf?!
stop the madness!)

sunday switch-a-roo

just a quick post about today

last sunday was wonderfully warm and sunny. after brunch, plopped on a bench for a spot of chit-chat and to stare out at the bay while planes were getting ready to land at OAK.

this sunday was wonderfully less warm and less sunny along the coast (tho' i understand it was warm and sunny, eventually, over in the east bay). going solo ... plopped on a rock formation with a cinnamon roll (yum!) - moi, staring out at the waves with the calming roar and wonderful smell ... and a little journal writing.

[more later]

r|alex: posts ... uh? ... post-poned

after returning from vacation
(tear...)

(just last saturday evening!) where during vacation ...

... i drove lots and lots, and

... i saw swooshes of green- yellow- gold- rust- red-colored leaves on the trees (and on the ground), and

... i decided it was a good idea occasionally to indulge because i was on vacation (or some other not-so-rational reasoning so i could be reminded to start back-up on kickboxing), and

... i hung out with fun-family (!), and

i (and good timing by the awesome photographer!) "bliss-memorialized" my tourist moment at cold hollow cider mill (yum!!!) ...

[and i have no idea wassup with this belly-phenomena?!]

and ... for whatever reason (with the original intent to visit with a fave artist), i decided to extend my vacation into sunday and check out the 37th half moon bay pumpkin/arts festival ... known for ... large pumpkins and stuff (with nostrils just waiting to be violated, in a nice way) ...

it was also necessary to visit the little local brewery along the way home - kinda to appease (or compromise or sedate or ...?) the friend who looked like he was having too much fun or something ...

... i opened my eyes on monday morning - just enough to see it was approx. 5:50 AM.

then, i actually closed my eyes, decidedly to "sleep in" until yoga (which, before starting my traditional job, was at noon - tho' on tuesdays/thursdays. ahhhhh ... the good ol' days!).

i then BOLTED-UP literally out of bed because my carpool buddy was already outside ... carpool buddy usually arrives approx. 5:45 AM. by 6:15 AM, i was ready and heading out of the door - still stopping by paddy's for coffee - and in at work by 7:15-ish or so.
... though this is **not** my view from the cube-ipolitan i reside ... i can walk down the road aisle and see this every once-in-a-while. ... and meanwhile, i'm just readjusting (still) and poking in on billn, spinning girl, sarcastro, and reina elena (as well as a little on-line retail therapy!).

[r:alex - i will write/post more, particularly about the vacation.
let me get over the shock that i have a traditional job.
apparently, i still don't quite "get it", i guess.]

r|break: ... for some reason, gotta write

i haven't written for a while. surprisingly, today, the writing bug is buzzing around. i'm intending to revisit the following ...

my foreigner ... this very short story - i feel like (have felt like) there is so much more. i've been thinking about developing the characters of both the narrator and the pacing fellow - ideally to express more about this topic. we shall see.

airport duty ... somewhat based on true life experience, and recently reconnecting with my dear friend has warmed my heart. perhaps part of the inspiration of revisiting writing.

it's just a numbers game ... classic chic-lit-dating-stuff - now that i'm in the bay area and will be working in s.f., perhaps some interesting little stories will pop up. (all fun.)

and one other thought - in reflecting (a blog post about a dear friend and me), i am regularly reminded of the circumstances between him and me. admittedly (and somewhat sadly, perhaps), i find myself visiting cnn's page of war casualties ... just because.

o.k. on that melancholy note, time to get my weekend before my first day re-entering the traditional workforce.

o.k. - i'll make it clearer ...

some asshole(s) broke into my home yesterday ... and needless to say, i am a bit more than annoyed.

and yes, mr./ms. burglar(s) absconded with at least one item of relative importance. thanks to the pieholes him/her/them, i get to exercise my patience.

breathe.

breathe ...

Being ignorant is not so much a shame, as being unwilling to learn.

- Benjamin Franklin

breathe ...

The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance -- it is the illusion of knowledge.

- Daniel Boorstin

breathe ...

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

- Martin Luther King, Jr.