reflecting ...

... because it's time to do so (and it's what i do). a good friend of mine has been out of country, and he and i have kept in contact at least weekly or so.

yesterday evening, i received a call from my friend and learned that he has been upset (in the angry sort of way) about an action i took without his permission. (one of those - "i found out from so-so ...") it all started out with my being surprised and is now at a point where i'm processing something much more near & dear - what is our friendship all about?

it has been some time ... i learned that he has been upset for quite some time - nearing about a month. given that i haven't heard from him (voice or e-mail), i now understand why this has been the circumstances.

this was not easy ... he mentioned he chose not to contact me because it has been a contemplative time frame for him since he got upset ... his thinking through how to approach me. wondering what his options are and thinking them through. how to say what he wanted to say, while not being really quite certain about what he wanted to say. concerned about how i may react. etcetera. and he finally decided what to do - call, tell me he found out, tell me he was upset (and some of the brief back-story of it all), and then ... just see what happens.

well, i'll tell you what happens. life.

i understand. i understand his being upset, totally based on what he told me. and given that i have held him as a dear friend for several years, i was totally affected by what he told me. friends NEVER intend or want to make friends feel shitty, y'know? that part, i get - as does he.

a l'il huh? ... and as part of my reflecting on this, one of the "huh? wtf?" that i had been trying to understand is why he chose not to tell me from the get-go. his getting upset? - understood. his choosing to be upset for quite a period of time? - not understood but o.k., his choice. his choosing not to communicate sooner? - not understood but o.k., because again, it's his choice. and i because i understand that he is the only one that can tell me why he chose not to tell me from the get-go, i asked. he did. understood. whether it's how i would have gone about it - irrelevant. we are all our own person. and i respect him for being the person that he is.

a l'il wtf? ... this leaves me now with seeking to understand my "huh? wtf?" is our friendship all about? where do we really stand as friends? and maybe he already has answered that, as well because there is a nearing window of time - he will be in the states for a couple of weeks. i have known about some planning that has been afoot to have friends/family meet up with him. and in short, it was this that became the silent message during the call.

silent message ... my reflecting, for me, it started to narrow down to a few things pretty quickly, as he spoke ... the brutal truth that silently came out in our talk (without his initially, explicitly choosing to make a clear statement) ... i'm so-so-soooo not on the hit parade list of people he will be seeing. (tear.)

don't make assumptions ... at the point where this was my interpretation of what i perceived to be unspoken words - i asked him because it's what EVERYONE MUST DO, as often as possible, when you just don't know or understand, just ask.

and so it boils down to this ... simply stated ... his "i've been upset" was the prelude to "i don't expect to see you when i'm in the states." or from my perspective, my "oh, i totally had no intention of upsetting you" is the precursor to my "i guess i don't have to get a plane ticket."

oh how it would be so nice if it was about his "i'm not upset" and my "i've got my plane ticket."

my reflecting ... what is our friendship all about?