cCacao clan: mia culpa on posts

i am very (VERY!) behind on my cCacao posts with my last post over here (~ 3 weeks ago) about the scam sh** and a more traditional post (aka last login) over here (more than 1 month ago) about the metrics (e.g., clickety-clack, yippity-yap, blah-blah).

PENDING math is fun ... i'll get to posting current stats when i get on-line. maybe i'll finally do another vlog. who knows?

voices in my head on paper ... meanwhile, i figure i would share some of the stuff i find myself sending over in the clickety-clack mode that sort of deals with other topics i spew about and the stuff that swirls in my head.

change something about myself? ... i decided to say "... aside from the traditional time management to balance competing life's activities, i do believe in "the four agreements" (d.miguel ruiz) for which i strive to continue to incorporate as part of who i am/how i express myself." (over here). they are ... 1. be impeccable with your word; 2. don't take anything personally; 3. don't make assumptions; 4. always do your best.

passions in life? ... i came up with three that seem to weave through my mind and present themselves each day in some form or fashion. and i believe i am fortunate that i am aware of the continual reminders. the shorter version of the three that came to mind -

• personal/professional development ... i am passionate about helping people get "unstuck" about what they want to do and where they want to be in life (e.g., new job, quit job, start business, new hobby, etc.). some joke that i "channel" opportunities for them once they are more clear with what they want to do.
  
  
• environmental communications ... i am passionate about overcoming the barriers among those involved in decision-making about environmental issues. no more of that "man behind the curtain" type of interaction or half-truths, please. i have found that building trust, minimizing judgment, not fueling stereotypes, and more productive communications can go a long way. my may 1994 epiphany ...
  
  
  There are BRIDGES yet to be constructed by those who live and
  breathe in their ENVIRONMENT — AIR, LAND and WATER. Egos stand firm
  on the ground that they were born and choose not to acknowledge that
  to get one step closer they must go one step FURTHER.
  MY VISION IS TO CREATE THOSE BRIDGES.

• knowledge & ignorance ... i have been increasingly thoughtful about the interplay between knowledge and ignorance. i believe my interest in this came from an awareness i had from a brief event in april 2007 where a comment was made to (at?) me. when i realized i was not reacting with anger (which ostensibly may have been warranted), i believed that was when i realized the comment made to me was out of ignorance rather than - in this case - racism. that said, shortly thereafter (and to this day), i've been interested in the philosophical thought about both knowledge and ignorance and related topics.
  

more later. it's sunday and ...
i gots to get my peet's on!

i wrote a letter to myself ...

... which later turned out to be something - a story, perhaps. it is, in fact, how i have felt - how i feel after earlier this week. turns out it is how i have been able to best express my feelings.

i have been reading it out loud every day, as if ...? i don't know - just as if. i feel compelled to read it out loud. whether it's a story or a letter to myself, it's also over here, which is where i first wrote it out; it's also where i'll tweak it as time moves on. but for now, here is where it is at this evening ...

let me believe

let me believe that it is different
something is different
we are different

it is nearly two years since the last time you chose not to call
even though i believed you because you said you would call,
since i left you a message you chose not to return
even though i believed friendship would prevail,
since a painful moment i brought upon us
even though we have never spoken about it.
i do not have to believe
because i know
that two years ago, we experienced our own grief
when i asked you to remove you - your passion - from my home.
the sadness in my heart went unnoticed
as it was overshadowed by your quiet anger.

let me believe my feelings are different
something is different
you are different

it is less than one year since you chose to e-mail me.
your note? i believed it was a simple, benevolent gesture
even though only you knew your intentions.
i do not have to believe
because i know
that the moment i watched you walk toward my doorstep
was the moment i realized i chose well.
my acceptance of your gesture went unnoticed
as i chose to forego my healing for your companionship.

let me believe that i can heal
something is different
i am different

it is tonight, more than one week since you chose not to call
even though i believed you - just because.
it is tonight, not more than a day since i chose to call you,
as i have done so since, daily.
on this night, i chose to leave you a message,
not reminiscent of two years ago,
because something is different,
we are different.
tonight i asked that we talk, that we share, that we listen.
and on this night, as i recount my sadness, your anger,
my acceptance, your touch,
i remember that i have a choice,
that you have a choice.
even though we may never talk about this,
i accept that you may not call
because tomorrow,
something will be different.

let me believe that i will choose
that i have chosen
that i am different
i do not have to believe
because i know

thanks for letting me share.

pondering: what say you?

it has been a little bumpy ... good and not so good - over the past week, let alone the past couple of months. just this past week, thoughts swirling (repeatedly) in my head ... health of friends and family (and myself), work within the context of my passion about the environment and connecting people, evolving friendship/relationship with a man, excitement of reconnecting with friends from 20+ years ago, excitement of connecting with friends, financial outlook, and the small surprises and reminders that, perhaps, reconnecting with spirit allows life to be a more fulfilled life.

my daily reminder ... is my dear friend iris, who continues to grace people with her love. my thoughts of her are posted here. and when iris tells me of the surprises she has in her life - people donating unconditionally to her efforts for medical treatment, opportunities to sing for various congregations and non-profit organizations, a simple gesture of help from a salesperson - i am quickly reminded about life's possibilities.

writing calms and energizes my spirit and soul ... the kind of writing that helps me process life around me - the life that i know we create for our self. i don't write much. i dabble. and when a writing bug hits me - as it did two nights ago - i believe that i am being reminded of something ... what that something is? not as important as just acknowledging the little nudge.

two years ago, i wrote a story called my foreigner. and i acknowledge the experience i shared in my foreigner as an inspiration or motivation (or both) to write (again after several years of not writing). just two nights ago, i wrote a "letter" to myself (perhaps to my spirit and soul or - for my spirit and soul) - let me believe. and with this letter, i feel compelled to learn more about expression through writing.

what say you?

r|break: ... for some reason, gotta write

i haven't written for a while. surprisingly, today, the writing bug is buzzing around. i'm intending to revisit the following ...

my foreigner ... this very short story - i feel like (have felt like) there is so much more. i've been thinking about developing the characters of both the narrator and the pacing fellow - ideally to express more about this topic. we shall see.

airport duty ... somewhat based on true life experience, and recently reconnecting with my dear friend has warmed my heart. perhaps part of the inspiration of revisiting writing.

it's just a numbers game ... classic chic-lit-dating-stuff - now that i'm in the bay area and will be working in s.f., perhaps some interesting little stories will pop up. (all fun.)

and one other thought - in reflecting (a blog post about a dear friend and me), i am regularly reminded of the circumstances between him and me. admittedly (and somewhat sadly, perhaps), i find myself visiting cnn's page of war casualties ... just because.

o.k. on that melancholy note, time to get my weekend before my first day re-entering the traditional workforce.

reflecting ... just a l'il more

after this, i wrote to my friend. since then, my friend and i spoke. he called june 30th. he was in the SoCal area, eventually headed to the east coast. when he called, i listened. it was cordial. it was different. we are different. after the call, i was a bit emotional, tho' he - not the wiser, perhaps. today, i received an e-mail from him -

Sorry I didn't get a chance to call earlier. Just thought I'd check in to see how you were doing as I wait I sit in the [u.s.] airport waiting for my flight [out]. I hope you're doing ok. Take care.

i wrote back, simply stated -

hi [you], i'm doing o.k. - lots of changes on my end. hope your trip went well. be safe

i realize, i am still reflecting.
peace.

reflecting ...

... because it's time to do so (and it's what i do). a good friend of mine has been out of country, and he and i have kept in contact at least weekly or so.

yesterday evening, i received a call from my friend and learned that he has been upset (in the angry sort of way) about an action i took without his permission. (one of those - "i found out from so-so ...") it all started out with my being surprised and is now at a point where i'm processing something much more near & dear - what is our friendship all about?

it has been some time ... i learned that he has been upset for quite some time - nearing about a month. given that i haven't heard from him (voice or e-mail), i now understand why this has been the circumstances.

this was not easy ... he mentioned he chose not to contact me because it has been a contemplative time frame for him since he got upset ... his thinking through how to approach me. wondering what his options are and thinking them through. how to say what he wanted to say, while not being really quite certain about what he wanted to say. concerned about how i may react. etcetera. and he finally decided what to do - call, tell me he found out, tell me he was upset (and some of the brief back-story of it all), and then ... just see what happens.

well, i'll tell you what happens. life.

i understand. i understand his being upset, totally based on what he told me. and given that i have held him as a dear friend for several years, i was totally affected by what he told me. friends NEVER intend or want to make friends feel shitty, y'know? that part, i get - as does he.

a l'il huh? ... and as part of my reflecting on this, one of the "huh? wtf?" that i had been trying to understand is why he chose not to tell me from the get-go. his getting upset? - understood. his choosing to be upset for quite a period of time? - not understood but o.k., his choice. his choosing not to communicate sooner? - not understood but o.k., because again, it's his choice. and i because i understand that he is the only one that can tell me why he chose not to tell me from the get-go, i asked. he did. understood. whether it's how i would have gone about it - irrelevant. we are all our own person. and i respect him for being the person that he is.

a l'il wtf? ... this leaves me now with seeking to understand my "huh? wtf?" is our friendship all about? where do we really stand as friends? and maybe he already has answered that, as well because there is a nearing window of time - he will be in the states for a couple of weeks. i have known about some planning that has been afoot to have friends/family meet up with him. and in short, it was this that became the silent message during the call.

silent message ... my reflecting, for me, it started to narrow down to a few things pretty quickly, as he spoke ... the brutal truth that silently came out in our talk (without his initially, explicitly choosing to make a clear statement) ... i'm so-so-soooo not on the hit parade list of people he will be seeing. (tear.)

don't make assumptions ... at the point where this was my interpretation of what i perceived to be unspoken words - i asked him because it's what EVERYONE MUST DO, as often as possible, when you just don't know or understand, just ask.

and so it boils down to this ... simply stated ... his "i've been upset" was the prelude to "i don't expect to see you when i'm in the states." or from my perspective, my "oh, i totally had no intention of upsetting you" is the precursor to my "i guess i don't have to get a plane ticket."

oh how it would be so nice if it was about his "i'm not upset" and my "i've got my plane ticket."

my reflecting ... what is our friendship all about?